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The Importance of Self Esteem in Obtaining and Maintaining Relationships
Chapter 3

So what to do?

I suppose the obvious answer is to simply like yourself more. However, this clearly sounds a little trite and facile. Therefore, the following is a checklist of some simple things to do and think about to build healthy self esteem.

1. Don't allow yourself to think that anyone is better than you. Certainly there are those with more skill in certain areas or perhaps bear a more pleasing countenance, yet those are only individual qualities, and not truly representative of the whole. It is perhaps cliché, but the whole does definitely exceed the sum of its parts. No individual may truly claim superiority over another… we all have too many facets of our makeup to make any kind of accurate comparison to another. You are unique… and there is definitely more than one person out there who has the talent to see how your unique qualities mesh most favorably with theirs. So stop putting yourself down!

2. Establish value in yourself by way of exploring and developing your talents. This will help you focus on your strengths. If you know what you are good at, and actively work to exploit your abilities to your (and perhaps your employer's) advantage, you will find they are a source of confidence.

3. Always try to dress your best. When you are well groomed and nicely clothed, you will discover that it is harder to think less of yourself.

4. Look people (especially strangers - particularly of the opposite sex) in the eye and smile. This is especially good if you are not having the best of days, as you will find that more often than not, people will smile back which tends to lift your spirits and enhance your overall sense of place and value in society. Perhaps that sounds corny… but it is definitely true.

5. An unusual approach to increasing self esteem may be found in the technique of "Hand Actuated Mental Reconditioning" which combines physical motions with visualization techniques. Check it out at Hamr.com . Maybe it will work for you!

6. Set realistic, yet challenging goals for yourself and an associated timeline for their completion. Celebrate your success with a reward. An example might be: "I will quit smoking within one month by slowly reducing intake and perhaps utilizing the patch or gum to augment my resolve. When I accomplish this, I will invite my friends over for a party." This particular reward has the added advantage of possible positive reinforcement of our accomplishment from our peers.

7. Stop listening to that harsh inner critic. When you do something incorrectly, instead of saying to yourself "you are so STUPID" or something similar, say "Well, that didn't work out like I had planned - how can I use my talents to improve my chances for success next time?" or "Well, I certainly learned something here!" Try to take something positive away from the experience by turning a lemon into some lemonade.

8. Be decisive. Take action on your thoughts instead of always being in the planning stage. Say to yourself, "If I have ever been sure about anything, I am sure of this." and forge ahead with your decision. It is difficult to feel good about one's self if you are always thinking about what you should have done vs. what you actually did. Even if you make an error in judgment, it is a lot easier to feel good about an attempt at success than harbored regrets about what might have been.

Obviously these are only tips designed to help mild to moderate difficulties with self-esteem. As everyone's situation is different, they cannot be said to be comprehensive or effective for all. If you find you have significant hurdles to overcome in this area, you might wish to seek the assistance of a professional such as a counselor or psychologist who will be able to help you discover and address the root causes of your concern.