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Who Pays?

Here's a possible scenario: You are going out on a first date with a gentleman and have arranged to meet at a restaurant for dinner where you have a lovely meal and as a result think that the date is going reasonably well. The bill arrives and you let him buy you dinner. Afterwards, the two of you decide to go catch a band down the street where perhaps he buys you a couple of drinks. At the end of the evening, you thank him for the pleasant evening and maybe even give him a peck on the cheek before going home.

Let's say you subsequently agree to go on a few more dates with him and continue to let him pay each time and the relationship continues to progress until you reach the point where you are now officially "dating". A number of weeks, or months pass by and all of a sudden you discover that he's mad at you because you expect him to pay for everything. What is going on?

Should he be mad at you, and if so, why? What are the rules in this new liberated, complicated era? It is probably reasonable for him to feel that you are taking advantage of him and he actually has very good reason to be angry with you. Ladies, it is not the 1950's anymore, don't expect the man to pay for everything, every time you go out, but in these modern times, it is kind of hard to know exactly what's fair and expected of you. For the most part, I think that the majority of men would be happy if you made some sort of effort.

Okay then, what are the new dating rules? The answer is unfortunately not as black and white as it once was; it now boils down to a good guess that is dependant on the circumstances and situation. Let's go back and look at that very first date for a minute and see what the various choices are that we have available to us. At the restaurant when the waiter brings the bill, you can: 1- sit back and let the man buy you dinner without discussion, 2- when the bill comes you ask your date how much you owe and leave the ball in his court, 3- insist on paying your share, 4- insist on paying the whole bill, or 5- when the bill comes, shuffle around in your purse like you're getting money out (slowly) and see if he attempts to stop you from paying.

Many men would still prefer to pay on the first date, but this is not universal. If the date you're on is a somewhat "traditional" type of date with someone that you don't know particularly well, I would suggest that you carefully watch his body language when the waiter drops off the bill and see what he does. If he immediately goes for his wallet, it may be better not to say anything. If he really wants you to pay, he'll ask. If he is fairly hesitant when the bill comes, like he is unsure of what to do, then chances are he is unsure of what your expectations are and option number 2, asking him how much you owe, would be the best option. If this is a more casual kind of date of the "Hey, do you want to go out for a beer?" variety, then the chances of him paying decrease. Be prepared to pay your share and just see what happens when the bill comes. In any case, if he ends up asking you to chip in, don't be insulted; he is probably as unsure of the rules as you are and maybe at some point he went out with a girl who was offended that he paid the entire bill.

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