The New Sexual Evolution
how today's twenty-something girls are wanting it more
One of the most interesting findings of the 1994 landmark Sex in
America Study out of the University of Chicago, was how young women
-- those in their late teens to early thirties -- were having more
partners than they've ever had throughout history. Those women were
having sex without relationships; engaging in one night stands,
phone sex, casual sex between friends; exploring bisexuality; and
often had more than ten previous partners. Think of Monica Lewinski,
and her Presidential kneepads, and you get an idea of the generation
and the mindset that's coming into its own. Monica, looking for
sex and power, was focused, overtly sexual, and tenacious in her
pursuit of some oval office action. In other words, she acted like
a man.1 Single young women today are more sexually "out there"
than they were during the height of the "Free Love-Sexual Revolution"
days in the 60's and 70's. Modern women don't have to worry about
the moral "you're a naughty-girl-slut" label that the
generation lost sleep over, so they are letting their bodies lead
the way.
If you're a guy and are thinking that this new sexual assertiveness
is great news, be warned that it also means that your performance
better be up to snuff. No longer content to have guys with huge
erections get in there and bang away, young women are asking for
plenty of orgasms and you better deliver. Kate Fillion, writing
in Saturday Night, comments that more women are experimenting with
all kinds of sex play -- without giving a damn what their parents,
the church or anyone else thinks about their behaviour. Her article,
"Lock Up Your Sons," made it clear that women aren't content
to stay home Saturday nights, and are [just as much in there as
the guys][or: just as eager as the guys] for the "wham, bam,
thanks for the bang" kind of sex that leaves their partners
dazed and confused. Fillion suggests that girls are surging ahead
in emotional sexual maturity and guys are going to be left at the
bedside with their pants around their ankles, wondering what the
hell happened. These women are sexually confident and deliberate
about their satisfaction.2
In the Sex in America Study, researcher Dr. Laumann described traditional
sexual activity as "involving a minimum of precoital stimulation
and a rapid move to vaginal intercourse." Hummm, wake me when
it's over. These days, "sexual relations" can be anything:
fantasies, foot stimulation, bondage, fisting, Tantric sex, mutual
masturbation or, in Monica's case, a little cigar play. As Wendy,
a 26-year-old interviewee in Paula Kamen's Her Way says, "Nowadays,
I won't give a blow job to a guy to please him. I'll give him one
if he's pleasing me."
So how did this new sexual order sneak up on unsuspecting guys
so quickly? The sexual revolution that started in the 60's was just
that -- a revolution: "A sudden, dramatic and sometimes temporary
overthrow of an existing order." According to Her Way, young
women are changing the sexual landscape as an evolution: a gradual
and slow but unstoppable permanent process of change. This change
or sexual evolution is based on an entitlement to recreational sex,
overall tolerance, and ease in taking a variety of lovers without
guilt. Megan, a 22-year old woman interviewed for Kamen's book describes
herself as "able to feel comfortable with approaching guys
to have sex, and don't beat yourself up after." Kamen interviews
seventy-two Generation X women, those born in the late 60's to the
early 80's: a group "too young to have used belts with their
sanitary napkins, but who grew up before they could order stuff
from the web." These changing sexual scripts are a result of
changing social norms where girls grew up with their peers saying
it was okay for girls to call the guys, ask them out, and do the
paying. The frank conversations about sex and direct "how-to"
information is part of the everyday conversations among women in
Kamen's study. My good friend Daryl Brown from Lady Calston, a leading
manufacturer of sex toys and the inventor of The Tongue, says her
sex toy parties are huge in College and University residences throughout
North America. She reports questions about everything from butt
plugs to strap-on harnesses, asked without a blush from the inquisitive
female participants. Young women want to be in the driver's seat
with their hand on the gear shift, and are not afraid to ask for
directions along the way.
So where is all of this headed? Will this new attitudes of sexual
openness lead to orgies on every street corner, or will the there
be a pendulum swing to chastity and abstinence as the new social
norm? It seems to me that sexual dialogue and acceptance has entered
mainstream life as everyone rushes home to catch Sex in the City
on Friday night so we can emulate the program on Saturday night.
Kamen is arguing that this new sexual evolution has arrived and
the overriding tone of tolerance is here to stay. The average North
American is far more tolerant of gay relationships, lesbian sex,
cross-dressing, swinging, or re-claimed virginity than ever before.
The message seems to be: How you choose to express your own sexuality
is cool, provided you're comfortable with it yourself, you consent,
and you don't push your morality on anyone else. The favourite bumper
sticker of feminists -- "keep your laws out of my body"
-- may not yet have morphed into "I'm boffing the football
team, and I don't care who knows it," but according to all
this fascinating data outlining the behaviour of the sexually active
single women, it may not be far from the truth.
1. Kate Fillion "Lock up your sons" Saturday Night Magazine,
October 1997, page 101.
2. Kamen, Paula. Her Way. Broadway Books, New York: 2000. Pages
17, 43.
|
