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[1, 2, 3]
Celibacy
Chapter 2
On another front, in the immediate aftermath of a failed relationship,
the subsequent emotional upheaval can leave one quite vulnerable.
Choosing to refrain from intimacy for a time in this instance is
a normal, and often sensible approach. Though some maintain that
the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, the
pitfalls of this approach are manifold and well documented.
Intimate sexual relationships do require commitments of time and
energy, and there are times when we may not have the resources to
maintain such a relationship while managing all of our other commitments.
These could range from work or school related demands, to personal
commitments we might make to ourselves to embark on some odyssey
of self-discovery or enrichment. There is no doubt that sexual energy
can be redirected toward other things. The use of sexual abstinence
by athletes to achieve greater athletic performance is a case in
point.
So, celibacy can be a choice. But is it for you? Think carefully
and choose wisely. Denying our sexual selves has serious consequences.
There is however, as mentioned already, a fairly large group of
people for whom celibacy is not a choice, but a curse. I have been
in this camp before, and I can say with certainty that it is not
a pleasant, or easy thing to understand and deal with. When intimacy
leaves our relationship, it is like being cast adrift with no paddle,
no rudder, no charts and no compass. It is not easy sailing. Yet,
depending on where you are, getting out of the boat isn't always
an option either.
Salvaging intimacy from a long-term relationship gone cold is not
easily done, nor is it always easy to just end it and start over.
Most often the problem is related to suppressed anger, and dysfunctional
or absent communication. When first involved in an intimate relationship,
we tend to be quite conscious of the other person's feelings in
our communications, quite naturally. We find this new person fascinating
and want them to like us. In time, intimate contact replaces fascination
with familiarity. Familiarity, as you've probably heard, breeds
contempt. But does it?
I don't actually believe this to be true. I think familiarity breeds
laziness. When you are already certain in your own mind how
your partner will react to something, why bother with the difficulty
of actually communicating with them, when you can save a lot of
time and effort, and move straight on to being disappointed. That
leaves lots of time and energy left over for feeling smug and self-righteous.
Pretty soon they'll catch on to it too, and then you'll both have
so much extra time and energy on your hands, you won't know what
to do with yourselves. Sound familiar?
Forced celibacy is almost always resolved, one way or another.
Sometimes the victim of involuntary celibacy, while drifting aimlessly
in their sea of despair, runs aground on a warm tropical reef. This
may seem like salvation but relief is usually temporary. Getting
what you need sexually from one person, while maintaining some spurious
commitment to someone else, is seldom tenable for long. Even if
your partner agrees to this devil's bargain, the 'kids', or whomever
else you think you are protecting or fooling, will eventually find
out. Invariably this deception hurts and justifiably makes them
quite upset with you. People don't like to be lied to.
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